How I learned to stop worrying and love the Jager Bomb.

I’m not going to you; I know nothing about cocktails. Aperitifs, digestifs, bitters, liqueurs, tiny little umbrellas – it’s just $11 worth of hard liquor with a garnish that won’t get me drunker. I don’t get it. Do you know what costs $11? A handle of Prestige. That’s 40 shots of fun juice! 40! That can fund a whole slew of bad decisions. Give a man a cocktail, and he drinks for an hour; give a man a handle of Prestige; every sorority girl in the room is his new best friend. It’s simple bro-math.

There are cocktails I do appreciate, but most of them have less than 3 ingredients, and most people don’t recognize them as cocktails. For instance:

1) Beergria: Natty Ice + Fruit. Simple, clean, rustic, and drinkable.

2) Taakawalla: Taaka Vodka + Odwalla Chocolate Monster Protein Shake. Creamy, sweet, anabolic, delicious.

3) Pre-Workahol: Bacardi + Grape NO Xplode. Zesty gets you all riled up, probably carcinogenic, purple.

I was disappointed after ordering an Old Fashioned at Maloney’s last week. Maybe it’s a maturity thing; maybe my palate isn’t refined enough to notice how the angostura bitters accentuate the elderflower notes. (To support the lack of maturity theory, whenever I hear the phrase “Old Fashioned,” I think people are talking about handjobs… Turns out it’s just an $11 glass of Maker’s Mark with Splenda and an orange rind. That’s like the opposite of a handjob.)

I think my view on cocktails got skewed one night during my first year in Santa Barbara. A teammate invited me to a cocktail party at his house and told me to “wear something nice.” It was early in the year, so I assumed this was a casual way to meet and greet the whole team, sip on a few nice drinks, and return home unscathed and ready for practice the next morning. At 10:00 pm, I walked through the door, and rather than seeing a group of dignified individuals drinking Martinis or Manhattans or… anyways, I was greeted with a Jager Bomb in a Dixie cup from a guy wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. Psych! I woke up at 4 in the morning covered in vomit and woodchips, dirt lining my nostrils, and my hands sticky with a leftover birthday cake; or at least, I hope it was birthday cake. I didn’t make it to practice.

I want to make pretentious drinks; I do; that would be kickass; it’s just never fit into my college budget and lifestyle. So, my current and more modest goal are to blur the lines between cheap intoxicants and refined cocktails.

So, without further pontificating…

Mint Yuzu Riot Punch

(It’s belligerently delicious)

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Like all good ideas, Riot Punch stems from a joke in an “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” episode. It’s a mixture of equal parts blue drink and Everclear Pure Grain Alcohol that the gang uses as a sort of riot-inducing elixir. It’s refreshing, efficient, inebriating, and blue. The first time we made it at my place in Santa Barbara, my neighbor Dave punched a hole in our ceiling. I guess that’s why they call it Riot Punch. Mmmm tastes like blue dye #40 and property damage.


4oz Prepared Ice Blue Raspberry Lemonade Kool-Aid
4oz Everclear Grain Alcohol
2Tbsp Fresh Yuzu Juice
1 hefty sprig of mint
A bunch of ice cubes

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1) Put mint, yuzu juice, Everclear, and a few ice cubes into a cocktail shaker and shake vigorously. It’s just like using a shake weight, except the result is getting drunk rather than being effeminately toned.
2) Put a few ice cubes into a hurricane glass (red solo cup or protein shaker) and pour the contents of the cocktail shaker through the strainer and into the glass.
3) Add in your delightfully blue drink mixture. Whether Hawaiian Punch, Kool-Aid, Crystal Light, or codeine, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s blue.
4) Garnish with a sprig of mint and enjoy. Drink up; you’re young.


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